When a child is born, a mother is also born and this new person, needs a new identity. We now know that this process is called matrescence and is equivalent in size of the change we undertake in adolescence, when we go from being a child to an adult. When we think about having kids top of our list are things to meet the needs of our children, cots, nappies, bibs, clothing - we don't really know how to ask for help in forming a new identity.
Straight after baby arrives, it is such an overwhelming time of learning, worries, sleep deprivation and stress that we don't necessarily realise that this change needs to happen. At these times it can be really hard to remember that we are more than our thoughts and feelings.
Often it is only later, after the stress of the first 6-12 months that we realise we are different and we start to notice things have changed. We feel the changes in how people look at us and treat us, we notice we are introduced differently, that we spend our time differently, that we talk about different things and that we feel, empathise and relate to others in different ways. If and when we return to work, this is another point where we notice the difference in what we want and prioritise, how others treat us and what is expected of us.
Whilst change is inevitable, we are biologically programmed to avoid and resist it. Change brings uncertainty and uncertainty threatens safety and a threat to safety feels like a threat to life and our bodies and brains respond accordingly.
Why is a change in identity so significant?
When we change anything, it can be unsettling - but when our identity changes, we can lose who we are and this can have big flow on effects for our mental health and this is because identity plays a crucial role in various psychological processes and aspects of human development.
Our identity is linked to several psychological processes that influence us every day and can impact everything from confidence, to security and decision making:
Confidence: A strong sense of identity is associated with higher self-esteem and psychological well-being. This is because when you have a strong sense of identity you feel safe within yourself, you feel less vulnerable to challenge and comparisons with others as you are comfortable with who you are.
Social Identity: Identity is closely linked to how individuals define themselves in relation to social groups. Social identity theory posits that people derive part of their identity from the groups they belong to, such as family, cultural, religious, or professional groups. Social identity influences how individuals perceive themselves and others, as well as their behaviour in social contexts. We have a biological imperative to be connected to others as a survival instinct.
Cognitive Processes: Identity influences various cognitive processes, such as decision-making, problem-solving, and self-reflection. A clear sense of identity helps us to make informed decisions and navigate life's challenges more effectively. When you have a strong sense of who you are, it is easier to work out what is right or wrong for you.
Emotional Well-being: Identity is closely tied to emotional well-being. When you have a strong sense of identity and know what it is that you enjoy and value, you are able to prioritise time and resources to do more of these things more often and boost your emotional wellbeing through feeling joy and contentment.
Adaptation and Resilience: Identity plays a crucial role in how you adapt to and cope with life's challenges. A strong sense of identity can provide a source of resilience during difficult times, helping individuals maintain a sense of purpose and direction. The why behind the tough decisions and the true north to keep pushing towards.
Interpersonal Relationships: Identity influences how you form and maintain relationships with others. People are more likely to connect with others who share similar identities or values, leading to the formation of social bonds and networks. We tend to be attracted to people who are like us and when we don't know who we are it can be hard for us to find our 'tribe'.
When you see it like this, it is no wonder that this is such a big issue for so many mums. Often when I see mother's for support and they are feeling dissatisfied in life, in a low mood or feeling burned out - often a loss of identity is a large part of why they are feeling that way. Think of it like trying to build a house if you have a solid foundation, the house will hold - if the base is cracked or made out of something like marbles or feathers, the house is just not going to stand.
Our identity is a big foundation for mental health and spending time to rediscover who we are after kids is so important to improving feelings of contentment, purpose and achievement and finding the sparkle in the day to day. This weeks tool, we are more than our thoughts and feelings is the start of that journey as we remind ourselves that we are more than the roles we play and that sense of self should not be tied to these things.
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