You have done all of the hard work to identify where you need stronger boundaries, but the reality is you can't do it in isolation. As boundaries exist between 2 people (or organisations), there is a need to have a conversation to reset them. This ensures the other person knows what is happening, they understand why and they are in the best place to support you with your goals. This is often where the wheels fall off the bus, this conversation.
Nobody likes a difficult conversation, often we do everything in our power to avoid them. A funny thing I always remind clients of is that good news does not get better with time. Often the longer we wait, the scarier it gets in our minds and the more that we want to avoid it. And this cycle repeats as we hope that it goes away *spoiler alert*, it doesn't.
Can I just skip the conversation? Please?
You can try, but you may not be setting yourself up for success, and that whilst this conversation feels scary - the alternative might be scarier. So lets take a step back and put ourselves in the other persons shoes, say it is a time boundary that you are enforcing with work. You have been answering emails at all hours of the day (even 2am) for years. Taking calls on your personal phone after hours and dropping everything to do odd requests. Sure, having a conversation to do this is tricky (and it might need a few goes) but think of the alternative. How will work likely respond if you suddenly change this behaviour without explanation or rationale? What incorrect conclusions would they draw? What kind of work environment would this create for you? What if it was the same conversation with a friend and that you need to be less available to them, to be more available for your objectives? How would they likely react? What conclusions might they draw? So it might be easier in the short term to change the behaviour, without a chat - but in the long term, the situation might end up being a whole lot messier - and more stressful for you
Conversations are hard and that is why we plan them
So I am not going to sit here and pretend that these conversations are easy, they are not easy. But they are necessary. Necessary for you, your goals, your success. So we are going to try and make them a little bit easier. This week's free tool (out Thursday) takes you through a step-by-step approach to plan this conversation using some key principles of difficult conversations to set you up for success:
Be clear on your goals and boundaries - take some time to really think about what this boundary is, visualise it and think of practical examples. This will help you to explain it to others, but also to identify boundary violations and behaviours which are sneaking in that direction.
Identify who needs to understand the change and support you. It might be one person, or many, but making sure everyone is on the same page and gets the same message is critical to your success in making this change stick. Most of these people will be friends, family or workmates so chances are they want you to be successful and happy, they want to support you - they just might not know how.
Be clear on your why. Your why is the reason for the change, is it making more time for yourself? Being more present for your kids? Your mental wellbeing? Your happiness? Being clear on this will help you to stay motivated and move through any barriers better. It will also help to get other people on board when they understand why this matters to you. It helps to make the message feel less personal.
Plan the convo, than have it. Our handy template, takes the thinking out of the conversation and is a really simple template to follow. It covers the key points, keeps things simple and provides an opportunity to check in. Try not to procrastinate and wait to have this conversation as the more time you leave it, the bigger it will get in your head. Just jump in.
Try to feel excited about it. Studies have shown that anxiousness and excitement are triggered by the same chemicals being released in our bodies. Our mindset is what determines if we feel excited or anxious (you can read more about it in this free article). So if you see this conversation as an opportunity to create connection and engagement - you will see those biochemical reactions in a positive light and reduce your worry about the conversation.
So now is the time, you have the skills, you have done the hard work, jump in and give it a try - you have so much more to gain than you do to lose. I would love to hear how you go.
If you think you need more help with boundaries, how about booking in a one-on-one session with me? I do sessions online or in person and we can dive in deeply into your specific situation and work through any blockers you have. In a few sessions, you will be shocked at the progress you can make. Book now via Halaxy.
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