mum guilt

Mum guilt is a term that resonates deeply with many mothers, encapsulating the feelings of self-doubt, inadequacy, and worry that often accompany the challenges of motherhood. This phenomenon can be especially prevalent among busy mums, who juggle the demands of work, family, and personal life on a daily basis. It tends to increase at key decision points such as returning to work, choosing schooling and at key milestones where a child "should" be able to undertake certain tasks. 

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Mum guilt starts before our babies are even born. We start to question our decisions, worry that we have done something wrong, feel overwhelmed with choices, feel judged and need to justify what we are doing and ultimately we start to doubt and question whether or not we will be a 'good mum'. Somehow we think that when the baby comes that we will feel different, but often the feelings get stronger. Whether it is a first child or a subsequent child the doubts and guilt still exist.

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Mum's seem more prone to thinking than fathers and it is anticipated about 80 percent of mums experience unpleasant guilty thoughts relating to their parenting on a regular basis. Left unchecked, these thoughts can manifest and lead to crisis of confidence, depression, feeling overwhelmed, anxious and burned out. Even if it doesn't get that bad, it still is a really unpleasant thing to have to live with. So many mums try to suppress feelings of guilt by putting something else on it like food, alcohol or online shopping to name a few. In addition to these unhealthy behaviours, mum guilt can also stop us being present, stop us enjoying life and make the most basic decisions feel crippling.  

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The tricky think about mum guilt, is that when we satisfy or tame one example of guilt there is always another one that jumps up to take its place. For example, you feel guilty about not spending enough time with your kids, you make changes and then you feel guilty that the time is not 'quality time' or that they are missing out on time with friends or not learning as much. It is a really tricky beast which despite our best intentions keeps popping up. We feel guilty about sleep, food, behaviours, friendship groups, disciplining enough and disciplining too much, our choices about work, whether to have more children, whether to get a pet, where we live, their education, whether we can give them enough and whether we are making them spoilt. It seems every time there is a choice, there is a path not taken and we can wonder - worry and feel guilty about that choice and over time, it really can eat us up.

 

At Mumshine, this is one of the most common challenges that I support Mums with and it does not need to be part of your life. I have a unique way of looking at mum guilt and finding the root cause of what is driving it. Based on this we then work through using a range of positive psychology techniques such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy and Solutions Based therapy to address the underlying cause of the guilt. This results in Mums having fewer feelings of guilt and when they do come up, they pass much faster and with less discomfort. With mum guilt managed, it becomes easier to make decisions, to be more present, to feel more confident, to be calmer and to enjoy the ride.