Feeling lost
When we become mothers, nearly everything about us changes and change is hard and scary. Before you have your first child, chances are you had pretty good control over your life. You likely had a high degree of autonomy over your routine and could choose what to do and not what to do when. You had your favourite hobbies, music, entertainment, travel destinations, exercise and even food preferences all sussed. You got a sense of achievement each and every day as you worked through items. You probably got lots of positive reinforcement and feedback so you knew you were on the right path. You had your "role" within your friendship group, within your family and your community. If you were in a relationship, chances are it was pretty predictable. In a nutshell, you likely had a pretty comfortable sense of self, of who you were, you may not have loved yourself 100 percent but chances are you at least knew a lot about yourself and liked a lot of things.
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Then you find yourself with a kid. If you carried the baby yourself, you have a whole new body to contend with as well as a strong dose of hormones. You struggle through those first 3-6 months of sleepless nights and feeds and worries about milestones. You feel like you have no idea what you are doing and most days you have little to no control over what you do. Most days you feel like a failure as you never manage to get it all done and the only feedback you tend to get is crying or when you realise you missed or forgot something. The dynamics in your relationship might have shifted and you might find yourself at odds with your partner rather than like you are on the same team. You find yourself unable or not wanting to go out and when you do the things you used to, they don't bring joy in the same way. You can start to feel rudderless, lost and let's face it pretty bored but you tell yourself it is just a phase and it will pass.
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Flash forward and it hasn't. This is so common for mum's and as our children get older and even if we add to our families, these questions remain. It can be really challenging to make sense of this new person that you. Studies have identified this phenomenon as 'matrescence' or the process of becoming a mother. These studies show that the change we go through in terms of identity is the equivalent of what we go through in adolescence as we make the change from children to adults. But we get to do it while having significant, real world responsibilities and relationships and while looking after a completely helpless human being.
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A lot of mothers who come to see me often start by talking about reassessing their relationship, reassessing career or feeling discontent and disappointment on a regular basis. A lot of times this comes down to a loss of identity and direction. It is really tough to feel content, achievement and excitement if you feel like you are stuck on a treadmill that you can't shut off, have no control over the pace and no idea what you are trying to achieve. In these instances, we often pause and hit reset. We take some time to reflect and get to know ourselves again, to work out what we want, need and enjoy, to work out what we stand for as mothers and what we want our legacy to be. When we have this understanding, it suddenly makes it so much easier to make choices and to honour them. Instead of each decision having a huge pro and con list we can clearly ask the question, does this take me closer to - or further away from who I am/what I want. When you work with me, I will help you navigate this process safely, make it fun and help to set you up to live a more authentic, enjoyable life.
Signs you're feeling lost
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Feeling like you are not enough
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Not being able to state your preferences and needs when asked
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Feeling like every day is the same
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Not going to bed at night with a sense of achievement
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Questioning relationships, your career or what you have to offer as a mother​
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Feeling like time is going so fast and you have nothing to show for it
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Feeling like you are "falling behind" or not doing "enough"
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Lacking energy and struggling to get out of bed to start your day
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Turning to shopping, alcohol, food or other habits to get a boost
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Questioning what you have done with your time, energy and resources
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Finding that you do not enjoy the things you used to
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Feeling discontent on a regular basis, but not sure why
How does counselling help?
In a nutshell, if you keep trying the same things and expecting a different outcome, you will end up disappointed, counselling is a chance to try something new with a trusted professional who will listen without judgement, provide a safe and confidential space to explore your feelings and work with you to develop strategies that are right for you and your unique situation.
When we feel lost and unsure, it can be really unsettling. We can feel like we have lost all control and that we are stuck in a sea of sameness, where every wave looks the same and all you see around you is ocean. You can feel very alone. It can be hard to find joy and moments of happiness and even worse, it can be hard to find your way back to shore. As a counsellor I am a trained professional that helps you to locate your tiny little boat in the vast ocean that is life. To describe it, to talk about what makes it special and to be able to share the coordinates to get help and plan a route to dry land if you want. When we have this clarity, everything about our journey suddenly feels less stressful, we feel safer, more confident in our skills and at peace with the journey ahead. We have more comfort in dealing with uncertainty and find we can let go and enjoy a little more because we feel safe within our ship and ourselves so we don't need to try to control so much of what is around us.​
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Counselling is a process where you set the agenda and the goals, there is a start and an end date and I will work with you to help you achieve the change you want. I walk alongside you and respect your decisions and choices. I never tell clients what to do, instead we explore options and feelings together and we work at the pace that suits you.
Want Freya's help ?
When you work with Freya, you not only get a qualified counsellor, you get someone that really understands. Whilst no two mothering experiences are the same, there are a lot of common challenges which mums face and Freya is passionate and committed to helping mums to overcome these challenges and enjoy their motherhood journey more. Freya listens deeply to you, your experiences, your story.
Freya will not judge you or your choices - she respects that you are the right parent to parent your child and that nobody else is better suited for the job - even if you don't feel that way at times. She knows and understands how hard being a mother can be. That there is no perfect choice, no 'right' or 'wrong' way to parent and that you probably feel inundated with information, opinions, judgements and comparisons on a daily basis that can make you feel like you are not good enough and choices and pressures can feel overwhelming. This is a safe space, away from all of that - for you to focus on yourself.
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When you work with Freya you have her undivided attention as you work through your challenges. She will support and guide you in making tough choices, help you learn new skills and coping strategies and walk alongside you as you work towards a brighter life. Freya has a limited number of sessions each week to support clients so please don't wait to secure your place.
Free resources to help you to find yourself
Counselling is by far the safest and most effective method to explore concepts of identity and find yourself. However, I realise that is not an option for everyone. As part of giving back and to try to help as many mums as possible, I have made a number of self help tools and articles available which I have designed for busy mums that don't have a lot of time to spend on themselves.
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These resources are curated and tagged so you can easily find what you are looking for, and come back to access more, when you are ready. You can keep and share as many as you like, just remember to let people know where you got them.
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